genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
