cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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