my phone needs a breathalizer
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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