it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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