Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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