Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
