i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
