I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
