Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
