Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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