4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
