just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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