There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
