I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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