i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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