i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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