i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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