My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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