Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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