the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
