If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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