I am in a vortex of obligation.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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