A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
