this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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