I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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