Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
