I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
