Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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