Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
