last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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