just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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