Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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