she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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