This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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