I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
