I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
