We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
