Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
