He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
