god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
