Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
