my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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