The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
