Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
