I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
