Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
