I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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