I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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