Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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