My first STD was from a foam party
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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