and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
